Empathy, AKA Drilling for Information

The beginning of Plan B, that 'Empathy' thing, is hard!

Empathy is the jumping off point for the Plan B process. Within Collaborative Problem Solving, empathy is the process through which information is gathered from the child about the unsolved problem being addressed. The final goal of this first step is to figure out the child's core concern about the problem which will be contrasted with the parental or adult concern in the next step to define the problem to be solved with Plan B.


What on earth do you do? How do you keep them talking? What if they don't say anything? These are some commonly asked questions about this beginning step of the Plan B process in Collaborative Problem Solving.

Starting Out:

This step is often started with a nonjudgmental observation sounding something like, "Homework has been a struggle lately. What's up?" The "What's up?" ending leaves an opening for the child to begin the conversation. You will shut the process down if you start off with a judgmental statement such as, "You are being a real jerk about homework." or "You never want to do your homework. You are going to fail math."  Try to start with an observation that is neutral. 

• "Boy, there's been a lot of yelling in the morning. What's up?"
• "I noticed that you have been upset when I ask you to start your homework in the afternoon. What's up?"

The ingredients for effective empathy are:

Curiosity: Put aside what you think and know about the situation as you start. Be curious about your child's perspective and thoughts. What do they think and know about the situation? Keep in mind that this is not a time to correct or evaluate their perspective.


Clarifying questions: Ask about: Who, What, Where, and When.
Who, what, where, or when questions tend to keep the conversation going and get specifics which you will need to define and solve the problem. 'Why' questions should be avoided as they can shut down the conversation by eliciting feelings guilt or judgement. Other questions:

• How so?
• I don't quite understand.
• Can you say more about that?
• I'm confused.
• Does it happen in some situations and not others? 
• Every time or some times?

Resisting the urge to problem solve! This sounds easy. It is not. By the time people have children, they have been living for a number of years and have generally gotten into the habit of beginning to generate solutions as soon as a problem pops into view. As your child begins to talk about a problem you will begin to generate solutions in your head. Keep them to yourself at this point! It will be hard for your child to practice problem solving if you jump in and do it for them!


Restating, Paraphrasing, Reflecting, and Summarizing:
These are all forms of repeating what the child expresses back to the child. The child will experience hearing and understanding a version of what they said and may help them to clarify, correct, or prompt them to add core information. Additionally, it shows your are listening and can demonstrate that you understand what they have said. Overuse can make you sound like a Counselor and be especially irritating to teenagers.

• Restating:
• Child: "My teacher won't listen to me!"
• Parent: "Your teacher won't listen to you."

• Paraphrasing: Using your own words, restate what your child says.
• Child: "My teacher won't listen to me!"
• Parent: "So your teacher isn't listening to you."

• Summarizing: Using your own words, summarize what you think has been communicated during the conversation. Often, you can start with, "Let me see if I have this right..." or "OK...(Summary)... Am       I getting what's going on?"

• Reflecting feeling:
• Child: "I am mad."
• Parent: "You are feeling mad."
• This can be fine and can, like paraphrasing and restating, allow the child to hear back what they have said as a check for accuracy and correct inaccurate statements.

Reflecting thinking and asking about thinking: Try to get your child's thought process identified. Focus on thinking... (Remember we are going to work with lagging thinking skills!)
Ask about and keep focused on what your child was thinking at various stages of the problem.

• What were you thinking about before you went into your brother's room?
• How about when he yelled at you?
• What did you think he meant?
• What went through your head right before you hit him?
• And after?

Remain nonjudgmental and nonthreatening: This may or may not seen obvious. Being threatening and judgmental is not compatible with keeping your child talking! Remember also that your tone of voice and body language can easily drown out your words.


Offer Reassurance: Reassure your child that you are not administering Plan A; that this is not a conversation that will end in forcing them to do what is asked and/or imposing a consequence or reward that the adult unilaterally chooses. You may explicitly reassure, "You are not in trouble. I just want to know what your thoughts are." You can also note, "I am not saying you have to do your homework." "...clean your room." "be nice to your brother when he yells at you." Keep in mind that you are also not saying he does not have to... The will and won't of the situation will be worked out later on in the invitation/brainstorming stage. 

Other things to consider:

I don't know...
There is that common response: "I don't know." It is often mumbled and spoken softly, "I dunno." Definitely throws up a roadblock! Stuck? Maybe not. What are some possibilities?
They don't know: There can be just plain not knowing the answer.
There can also be a problem which we create by asking a nonspecific, vague, or ill-defined question. If you start out with, "So, I've noticed chores have been hard. What's up?" Answering may require thinking through if all chores have been hard, which chores are the hardest, which may be physically hard chores, which chores I put up a fuss about, which chores is he gonna be asking me about, was it that one from yesterday... If these thoughts are churning through your child's head, you are going to hear silence*. If your child has a hard time thinking this stuff through, you might hear, "I dunno" as your answer.
Language processing issues
The child may not trust the adult asking: If a teacher or therapist or other adult is asking, the child may be employing a version of that old adage, "Don't talk to strangers!" They may not have enough trust built with that person to talk abut things which are uncomfortable to talk about: things like problems! It may also be that they are concerned that they are in trouble and revealing more information will lead to more trouble!
Waiting for the other shoe to drop: If the child has a lot of experience with Plan A, they are going to be expecting the consequence or punishment to be right around the corner! If parents have been using a Plan A approach up to this point, the child has years of experience and many thousands of repetitions.


Feelings: 
If you ask about feelings, you are likely to get some version of the three feelings kids tend to identify: Mad, Sad, or Glad. Between age 9 and 13, they will add the feeling state for much of their time in the teens; "bored." Ask about feelings if you want to work on feelings identification, but realize you are probably not going to get much information.


Discouragement:
A note about children who are profoundly discouraged. What happens to a child when, due to thinking skill deficits, they repeatedly, over a period of years, at home, at school, with peers and in the community, fail to meet the expectations of the adults in charge? What does this child learn when punishment after punishment is administered by the world for not displaying the skills they do not have? What happens when this child fails to earn incentive after incentive? What is learned when this child sees that peers are able to avoid the punishments and get the incentives? What is learned? "Don't bother. Why try. Maybe I am as bad as they say." 


Skills Taught in the Empathy Step:

• Language Processing: Both receptive and expressive are practiced. The child is given the time and repetition or restatement needed to receive the message. The questions you ask help the child identify, find words for, and say what is bothering them.
• Emotional Regulation: Empathy is calming and your reassurance brings anxiety and anger down. 
• Social Skills: You will be modeling empathy, reciprocal conversation, respectful communication, and much more.