I carried a screaming almost-four-year-old to bed last night.
That is certainly one advantage to having a child of almost-four: portability. I can pick my child up, kicking and screaming, and physically move him. I can, ultimately, make things happen by imposing my will. Hopefully, some cognitive development will happen over the next few years and I won't be faced with a screaming and kicking fourteen-year-old!
I recently spoke with a family in crisis who have a 14 year old boy. There were serious problems at bedtime. There was screaming (teen and adult). There was kicking (teen). There was a hole in a wall. And, well, a 14 year-old who was about as big as his parents. Nobody was picking him up, carrying him kicking and screaming down the hall, and putting him in bed! Not gonna happen.
This young man had always struggled with some behavior issues and had really started laying down the law in his home lately: It was "his way or the highway." Sound familiar? Plan A.
There was a long history of school difficulties and behavior problems which thinly masked a number of lagging thinking skills. Additionally, the parents were experiencing some undesirable side-effects of fourteen years of Plan A. The unintended learning that can go along with Plan A can be that “might makes right,” it is acceptable to use power, force, intimidation, or aggression to get your way, blindly obey those in authority, or don't bother expressing your concerns because adults don't listen. These are not values parents say they want for their children. This becomes especially true when parents are faced with an angry, intimidating, out-of-control teenager!
What now? (A little CPS)
Rebuilding some sort of relationship with this particular teenager will be a long and grueling proposition requiring change, patience, and dedication. But that's the definition of being a parent, isn't it?
Change can start with assessing the child or teen's lagging thinking skills: what thinking skills are needed to function in his/her daily life? Difficult behavior will be found at times the environment is requiring a skill which the child does not have. The initial focus on lagging thinking skills allows adults to see their child in a new light: It allows adults to see the child in the light of “ Kids do well if they can.” Again, if you don't have the skills, you are not going to do it. No matter how hard you try. The “kids do well if they can” lens also moves parents from the position of “enforcer of rules” to “teacher of skills.” Some items can be dealt with using Plan C; removing the expectation “for now” while other issues are dealt with.
The big intervention in CPS will be Plan B. Essentially, Plan B involves a semi-structured conversation with the child in which the parent uses empathy to find out what the child's concern is, defines the problem, and then invites the child to brainstorm solutions. (Sounds easy without all the detail...there is a lot more...)
Back to my house...
I have a few years before 14, thankfully. My boy and I will have to talk a little Plan B talk. More on this later!
Content note: References to families, teens, or kids are composites with changed details for illustration and do not represent any one child or family.
